Fuck Yous, 2005

I figure at this time of year, it's either blow off some steam verbally or punch a relative.

So here are my big FUCK YOUS for 2005:

1. Stand-up Comedy

What happened, man? We used to be friends. But now I realize that all my goals and ambitions boiled down to telling dick jokes in front of little old ladies in North Dakota. Sure, some of my friends have "made it" -- and I see some of the funniest minds of my generation doing unfunny crap like trained sea monkeys for the TV networks.

If you could only see what Doug Stanhope, K.P Anderson, Dave Mordal or Joe Rogan can do on a stage, you'd shoot a TV executive tomorrow. I mean, actually buy a gun, load it, walk into their offices and spray some lead. Not that I'm encouraging that sort of thing.

Which reminds me. People say about these comics, "Well, no one held a gun to their head." Trust me, if you've spent a decade or so doing comedy in places like Pocatello, Idaho and Moosejaw, Saskatchewan -- and trying to pay your rent -- you have a fucking gun to your head.

2. Metallica

I bought your early albums from "Kill 'Em All" on, and went to your early concerts. That's right, I and fans like me paid you a ton of good money to finance your rise from a second-rate Motorhead to a first-rate Bon Jovi.

Now you call us thieves? Fuck you, listen to your last couple albums and tell me who the thieves are. Then again, I'm pretty sure you haven't listened to your last couple albums, because no one has. That's why you're losing money, dipfarts.

3. Christians Who Aren't Me

What is wrong with you people?!? Christianity is about humility, and charity and love, and I see so much pride, and greed and hatred.

I try to spread the Word in my own way -- by being a Christian without being an enormous ASSHOLE about it. That's right, I said ASSHOLES, FUCKHEADS, CUNTS. Find me those words or anything about those words in the Bible. Find me half the bullshit you believe are sins in the Bible, while you walk past that homeless guy without giving him a buck. Jesus would give the guy a buck, and you fucking know it.

Lighten the fuck up. Let people see that we aren't idiots, that we KNOW the earth is more than 6000 years old, that we KNOW God didn't plant dinosaur fossils around just to fuck with us, and that we may have even given in on the Earth revolving around the Sun.

Read the fucking manual. And thump it less.

4. "Funny" E-mails

Nothing funny has ever been e-mailed to more than ten people. Period. And if some asshole mails this shit around with George Carlin or Denns Miller's name on it, I will hunt you down and eat your trachea.

Possibly to be continued. Four more family dinners to go.

Eastgate

Here is a link to the Eastgate Skyway News article referred to in my last post. And here is a picture:

GraphicActs Most Common Search Phrases

I've been experimenting with Summary.net at work as a new statistics program. For fun,
I plugged GraphicActs' log file in to see what there was to see. So far, it's about what I expected
including the fact that the most hijacked image is Tim's buttshot.

Somewhat amusing at least to me, is the most common search phrases
that bring folks to our little site...

1. Hugo Boss
2. Tim Mitchell
3. What attracts women
4. Stephanie Mitchell
5. Secretary's Day
6. What attracts women to men
7. buttshot
8. wozcam
9. Shade loving plants
10. Adam Hildreth
11. Illegal drugs
12. lip twitching

And on it goes. Actually, there's lots and lots of variations of number three and they all
go to this Babble which is the second most popular page on our site, next to the home page.
Had I known that 993 people would look at that page, I might have spent more time
coming up with more sound advice.

Eastgate

They still have last week's issue up on the web, but this week's paper version of the Skyway News has a picture and article about the glass & steel building they're planning on replacing Eastgate with.

As I mentioned, I've got mixed feelings on the project -- I think a variety of architecture is what makes a neighborhood interesting and I'd rather see something that looks modern instead of "fake old." Tim and I don't plan on going anywhere soon, so we'll just see how it is.

Also on the cover of the Skyway News -- "Foshay Living? Owner exploring condo option." I think that this means eventually my entire life will be enveloped in condos. Gak.